Life just isn't fair, I tell ya.
Therefore, in the spirit of truth and the American Way, we've pledged the massive resources of our Midwest Bureau---located in the Land of Lincoln, no less---to help Rod hunt down the real crooks in Illinois politics, and bring them to the bar of justice. All tips will be handled confidentially---and for your generous gift of $5,000, we can probably score you a job sweeping the floors at Rod's hair salon. Any takers?